Wrestlemania 34 is THIS Sunday and we still don’t know who Braun Strowman’s mystery partner is going to be for his Raw Tag Team Championship match against The Bar. I’m beginning to panic a bit. It’s been one of the biggest storylines on the Monday night brand heading into the Showcase of Immortals. But, the Monster Among Men has proven himself more than capable of taking on Sheamus and Cesaro alone. Regretfully, the WWE won’t allow him to win the tag titles on his own.
Folks, this is what we call a conundrum. Strowman doesn’t play well with others, but he’s going to need someone or else his Wrestlemania moment is going to have to wait. Now, if I’m the WWE locker room, and I’m not already on the card, I’m clamoring to team up with Strowman. The problem might not necessarily be a lack of available talent. We don’t really know what Strowman’s recruiting process has been like. But, the fact that Wrestlemania is only a few days away and he still doesn’t have one is quite alarming.
Don’t worry, though, Braun. If you’re reading this article, I have put together quite the list of potential free agent targets. I won’t even charge you a single dime to use my recruiting services here. Just a few names I’d consider:
Big Show – The odds-on favorite. I just don’t know if Big Show even wants to wrestle anymore. I would think you would have to wrestle in order to win this match, so that might rule out Big Show.
Elias – There was a spark between these two. Let’s not deny that. I have a feeling Elias will end up performing at the show only to be interrupted by somebody…maybe Jeff Jarrett with another guitar. And, then maybe Kid Rock with a third guitar. Then, Man Mountain Rock can come out. I don’t know – just spitballin’ here, folks.
Batista – Only if it’s in the full-on Drax gimmick.
James Ellsworth – I’m not even trying to be funny here. If Ellsworth walks out as Strowman’s partner at ‘Mania, I will flip my shit in the best way possible.
Curt Hawkins’ corpse – he dead. But, you know before he was murdered through a damn wall, he was eager to join the cause. He can’t cost you the match if he’s not alive enough to tag in and take a pinfall, right? Could be a brilliant move on Strowman’s part.
Undertaker – Wouldn’t that be hilarious if ‘Taker was like, “No, fuck you, John. I’m gonna be Braun’s partner.” Like, he just never even addresses Cena. But, comes out as Big Evil and throws soup bones like a sonofabitch.
A live wolf – Think about it. It’s Wrestlemania. They undoubtedly want to do something that’s never been seen before. Create a real memorable moment by having Strowman walk a live wolf to the ring on a leash and then turning it loose. The problem here, of course, is that a live wolf is unpredictable and could end up eating a person on live television. Just a thought, though.
Kid Rock – Personally, I think you ought to earn your way into the Hall of Fame in the ring, where REAL wrestling happens. Thankfully, it’s not too late for Kid Rock. He can step right up and instantly make us respect him as a WWE Superstar with this one match.
That guy playing the trumpet in the Wrestlemania 34 vignette – I see he’s booked for the show. Obviously – he’s in the advertisement. But, he’s not in a match yet. Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, WWE. I’m too smart for that. If he’s going to be there, but isn’t it a match it can only mean one thing. Why? Because there’s only one mystery slot on the card.
Greg “The Hammer” Valentine – One of the most underrated wrestlers of all time. If we’re just calling out legends all willy nilly this Wrestlemania season, might as well shoot for the stars.
MORE WRESTLEMANIA COVERAGE
The Best Feuds in Wrestlemania History
The 5 Most Underrated Wrestlemanias
Matches I Do and Don’t Want to See at Wrestlemania 34
Who is “Mr. Wrestlemania?”
Wrestlemania’s Hidden Gems
John Cena vs. Steve from Blue’s Clues
The Fabulous Moolah Was Actually Bad
Building the Dream Wrestlemania Card
The SoBros Fantasy Wrestlemania Championship
Wrestlers Overdue for the WWE Hall of Fame
The 34 Best Matches in Wrestlemania History
Could Nashville Host Wrestlemania?
Wrestlemania 14 Changed My Life
The Top 10 Wrestlemania Theme Songs
Straight Forward Fashion: Wrestlemania Styles
Suggested NXT Call-ups After Wrestlemania 34
Check back soon..
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Buy our shirt. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube. Shop our store on Redbubble.
