Alright, folks. This is going to be a wild one. So, you’d best hang on. “Nature Boy” Brandon Vick, Poppa Bear, and myself have teamed up to work on the PERFECT dream Wrestlemania card. While I’m uncertain of whether or not you’ll agree with us, I am certain that we spent way entirely too much time discussing this. I mean, including the kickoff show (what would Wrestlemania be without a three-hour kickoff show?), it’s like 25 matches. Oh well.
So, the rules – we lined up in alphabetical order and selected matches draft-style. Poppa Bear was up first, so Poppa Bear booked a match. Wrestlers could only be selected once, and in our fantasy land, they are being booked in their prime. This is a meaty one (that’s what she said), so let’s get to it.
Kickoff Show
K1. Gorgeous George Memorial Battle Royal: This is basically where I dumped every legend that didn’t get selected in our draft. It can’t be named after Andre the Giant if Andre the Giant is on the show, right? FEATURING: Rey Mysterio, The Miz, Rob Van Dam, Kane, Harley Race, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, Goldberg, Braun Strowman, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Kevin Owens, Mr. Perfect, Sycho Sid, JBL, Vader, Yokozuna, Lex Luger, Ultimate Warrior, Mark Henry, DDP, Jeff Jarrett, Jimmy Snuka, Ravishing Rick Rude, Billy Gunn, Road Dogg, Ricky Steamboat, Owen Hart, Ted DiBiase, British Bulldog, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Winner: The Miz
K2. ECW Championship: Bam Bam Bigelow (c) vs. Samoa Joe – (Poppa Bear’s choice) Man, could you imagine Joe in the old ECW? Two of the best bruisers go at it in an Extreme Rules Match, but Bam Bam keeps the gold. Winner: Bigelow
K3. The Usos vs. Harlem Heat – (Stoney’s choice) Harlem Heat is totally underrated in the grand scheme of tag team wrestling. At one point, they were the hottest team in the business. Not so different from the way The Usos are absolutely on fire right now. Winner: The Usos
K4. Boiler Room Brawl: Mankind vs. Finn Balor – (Brandon’s choice) – Love the idea of The Demon showing up to take on the deranged Mankind. Winner: Balor
K5. Batista vs. Brock Lesnar – (Stoney’s choice) – It didn’t make the draw for the main card when we did our initial draft, so it lands as the main event of the kickoff show. It’s one of the few hoss battles we never saw. Winner: Lesnar
Main Show
1. Triple H vs. “The Macho Man” Randy Savage – (Brandon’s choice) – If you’re not last, you wanna be first, and this is one doozy of an opening contest. Winner: Triple H
2. Intercontinental Championship: Bret “Hitman” Hart (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts – (Brandon’s choice) – This is a real wild card of a match, but I can appreciate it. Winner: Rollins
3. Chyna vs. Beth Phoenix – (Stoney’s choice) – Maybe the two strongest women in WWE history? I can jive with that. Winner: Chyna
4. European Championship: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. Johnny Gargano – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – Putting Gargano on a dream Wrestlemania card before he’s even competed at one in real life is a bold strategy, but I don’t think anyone can argue that Gargano is bar none one of the best in the world. I dig it, Poppa Bear. Winner: Guerrero
5. Tag Team Championship Ladder Match: Edge & Christian (c) vs. New Day vs. Legion of Doom – (Brandon’s choice) – We all know Hawk and Animal ain’t gonna fare well in a ladder match. I’m going with the team with the most ladder match experience. Winners: Edge & Christian
6. United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kurt Angle – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – This is a dream match that doesn’t get talked about enough in my opinion. Two of the greatest mat warriors of all time. Winner: Angle
7. No Holds Barred: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper vs. Dean Ambrose – (Brandon’s choice) – This may be my favorite selection on the entire card. It’s so perfect. Winner: Piper
8. Universal Championship: Roman Reigns (c) vs. The Rock – (Stoney’s choice) – An epic showdown of cousins…oh shit! I found the tagline! “Epic showdown of cousins” Winner: The Rock, so no one riots…
9. Sasha Banks vs. Asuka vs. Lita – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – I like what Poppa Bear did with the final selection here. But, we all know…no one is ready for Asuka. I hope she literally never loses. Winner: Asuka
10. Street Fight: The Outsiders vs. The Wyatt Family – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – Yeah, I can jive with this kind of chaos. Winner: The Wyatt Family
11. Shawn Michaels vs. A.J. Styles – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – Maybe the two greatest workers of all time? Too soon to say that? Winner: Styles
12. World Heavyweight Championship Fatal 4-Way: Ric Flair (c) vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dusty Rhodes vs. Randy Orton – (Stoney’s choice) – Four guys who best represent what the big gold belt was all about. Simple enough. Winner: Flair
13. Andre The Giant vs. The Big Show – (Stoney’s choice) – Gotta have the two best big men of all time going at it. Big Show’s athleticism is the difference-maker here. Winner: Big Show
14. The Undertaker vs. Sting – (Poppa Bear’s choice) – Man, how close were we to actually getting this one? The conscience of the WWE going up against the conscience of WCW. Winner: Undertaker
15. Tables Match: The Dudley Boyz vs. Demolition – (Stoney’s choice) – Two smash mouth teams going at it in a brutal environment. Gotta have a little mid-card action to break up all the main event level matches. Winner: Demolition
16. John Cena vs. Hulk Hogan – (Stoney’s choice) – Come on, this one’s easy. This is the match ‘Mania was basically built for. Winner: Cena
17. Women’s Championship: Trish Stratus (c) vs. Alundra Blayze vs. Charlotte Flair – (Brandon’s choice) – I think Brandon nailed it with the three greatest women’s champions of their respective generation. Winner: Blayze in an upset
18. WWE Championship: Stone Cold Steve Austin (c) vs. C.M. Punk – (Brandon’s choice) – This match was rumored for so long at one point, but the stars never aligned. Two of the greatest WWE Champs of all time going at it to close out ‘Mania. Can’t argue with Brandon here. Winner: Austin
What do y’all think? Where did we get it wrong? What are some of the matches y’all would book? Hit us up in the comments.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
Buy our shirt. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube. Shop our store on Redbubble.
