Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. My lawyers say I shouldn’t claim to be an expert on anything)!
Alright, Vanderbilt – I’m never fuckin’ trusting you again for the rest of the season. Ruined my perfect start to 2019, but that’s okay – like I always say, a win is a win is a win is a win, and as long as there’s bread in the oven, we gon’ eat. Those are my two life mottos.
I also need to make a logo for this column. It’s earned it. I’ve only been doing this for six fucking years now.
Lawd, I’m all over the place today. Let’s just get to the picks and the actual journalistic football analysis.
I’m going to be honest, guys – this is sort of no man’s land. This slate of college football games S U C K S this week. And, Week 2 of the NFL is always incredibly difficult to pick – the tendency is always to overreact to Week 1 because we don’t have a large sample size to base our picks off of.
If it were up to me, I think I’d probably sit this weekend out altogether. But, you can’t call Tank the 401k a weekly column if I don’t do it every week.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Colorado -4.5 vs. Air Force – This is where I get in trouble. Air Force has played one game, that I didn’t watch, against an opponent I don’t even know, and I’m looking at this thinking, “damn, Colorado just upset Nebraska – surely they’ll handle this 4.5-point spread, right?” SMDH.
NCAAF: Stanford +8 at UCF – UCF has been impressive, but y’all, they haven’t really played anybody. Stanford might not be the Stanford of years before, but they’re still a pretty solid team that’s going to test UCF. I think they could get win, but I damn sure think they can keep it closer than eight points.
NFL: Buffalo -1.5 @ New York Giants – I know it took a frenetic comeback for the Bills to beat the Jets, but I’m still pretty high on their makeup. The lack of depth on the Giants defense was exposed against Dallas, so I think the Bills are going to come in and grind one out, dropping the G-Men to 0-2.
NFL: Jacksonville +9 @ Houston – It’s Gardner Minshew time, baby! Need I say more?!?!
NFL: New Orleans Saints @ Los Angeles Rams, OVER 52 – Neither of these defenses looked particularly inspiring in Week 1. These teams are going to be fired up for this one, so I’m expecting some fireworks.
W-L Record: (1-0)
Last Week: (4-1)
On the Season: (4-1-0) – 80%
Check out my full SEC/NFL game picks here (I’m 23-6 so far on the season in picks straight up):
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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