Ladies and gentlemen, from the same credible journalist who brought you “Braun Strowman vs. A Live Grizzly Bear” comes the latest installment of weird and completely unnecessary fantasy warfare. This time, we’re talking about stud Tennessee Titans offensive lineman Dennis Kelly and the legendary dead man, The Undertaker.
Now, it’s no secret that Kelly is the official favorite Titan of this website. But, I will do my best to keep my bias at the door, considering that Undertaker hasn’t done shit for the SoBros Network brand.
The idea for this column came when I heard Blaine Bishop refer to Kelly as ‘The Undertaker’ when I was driving into the dreaded day job one morning. We call him “Touchdown Dennis Kelly” (or TDK for short), but I forgot that some people affectionately called him Undertaker. Naturally, my mind is only human, and did what any human mind would do given the context – I thought, “man – who would win in a fight between the Titans Undertaker and the actual Undertaker?”
So, here we are today, folks. That’s how journalism happens.
And, let’s be real – there ain’t shit else to write about right now. I’ll dig into NFL free agency, the NFL Draft, and of course, WrestleMania 35, beginning next week. But, for now – I want a break from real sports talk.
Let’s talk about swingin’ some knuckles instead.
The Tale of the Tape
We have to set parameters, okay? This has to be as fair a fight as we can make it. If we book this thing inside the Hell in a Cell, or even a Casket Match, that’s going to put #71 at a clear disadvantage. You just don’t dance with the devil on the dance floor in hell and expect to come away unscathed.
Likewise, if we put ‘Taker in full pads and get him out on the football field, Kelly’s going to jack him up with the truck stick and pancake his ass to the turf.
So, we have to find that in-between – and I say we make it a standard issue, one on one contest, no disqualification, no count out.
Making it no DQ means that Kelly won’t be susceptible to some of the nuanced rules of professional wrestling. Don’t want him in there hooking Taker in a submission and holding on past the count of five when Taker’s foot is on the rope, y’know? A DQ finish means that we still wouldn’t know who the real winner is, so let’s just take that possibility off the table. Same with the count out.
Finally, let’s get this thing on the grandest stage Nashville can offer – the Nashville Fairgrounds!
Size
Kelly is 6’8″, 321 pounds according to credible news mecca Wikipedia. Likewise, Undertaker is 6’10”, 309. They’re eerily similar, but Kelly is bulkier. Taker might have the longer reach, which would benefit his already strong striking game, but if Kelly can keep close quarters, he has the potential to ragdoll Taker unlike anyone else.
Think about some of Taker’s biggest opponents – TDK is more agile than the Big Show. He’s quicker than Kane. And, he’s more athletic than The Great Khali. Kelly is like like if Shawn Michaels was in the body of Kevin Nash. That’s scary.
As far as raw athleticism goes, I’d give Kelly the edge. I’d like to see ‘Taker try to play every position along the offensive line.
Experience
I don’t know Kelly, personally, so I don’t know what his track record is like in street fights or ordinary fist fights. But, when you look at the extensive portfolio of violence that The Undertaker has, you can’t help but give him the edge here.
We don’t even know for sure that TDK even has a finishing move prepared. Meanwhile, Taker’s been chokeslamming and tombstoning people for 30 years!
The decision
Taker’s experience is the deciding factor for me – think about it. Kelly gets under the bright lights of the Nashville Fairgrounds, he freezes up for a brief moment because he doesn’t have a finishing move to go to in the deep lengths of the match.
BOOM – Taker sits up, Kelly’s freaking out and has NO idea what to do. So, Taker walks up, CHOKESLAM!
But, Kelly is such a good athlete that he kicks out. Both men make it to their feet, but TDK still hasn’t sorted out how exactly he’s going to put away Taker since he doesn’t have a finishing move. Taker capitalizes on this confusion and delivers a Tombstone Piledriver. One…..two…..three…..
Taker earns Kelly’s spot on the Titans offensive line.
Oh…yeah…forgot to mention that….the winner of this match becomes the starting right tackle for the Tennessee Titans.
Regardless, I don’t think ‘Taker is up to anything right now and it’s the offseason for Kelly, so hot damn, Cody Rhodes – get on the phone and make this thing happen in AEW.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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