Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
This is embarrassing. Why am I even writing this column anymore? Actually, you know what? Fuck you for reading it! I was having one of the best seasons of my career. I started 8-1….EIGHT FUCKING WINS. ONE FUCKING LOSS. Now? I’ve had FIVE LOSING WEEKS IN A ROW!
I’m going to rip my ears off. I mean, that’s the only way I can channel this rage right now. I just want to grab a body part and pull it off – feel the pain, feel the anger, bleed, and….okay….really taking this to a dark place, but the reality is that pulling off a limb is way too hard and my penis is entirely too valuable to the future of this company, so an ear or both it is!
Nah, I’m kidding – you should know how stupid you are for putting money on my picks. I don’t have to commit any self-harm….I’m just super competitive and even if I’m not competing against anything, I want to win because that’s what winners do.
I’m not making any sense and I fear that this losing streak is beginning to cost me my sanity. I hate my life. Help.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NFL: Dallas +3 @ Indianapolis – People are sleeping on how good the Cowboys are. Elite defense, strong ground game, and since the addition of Amari Cooper, they’ve proven capable of lighting up opposing defenses. I think they get after Andrew Luck and make him uncomfortable and squeak out a close one.
NCAAF: Utah State -7.5 vs. North Texas – Fuck it. Why not? I love the Aggies. I don’t care anymore. That’s what I’m trying to say here.
NFL: Tennessee +2.5 @ New York Giants – The Giants are playing their best football right now – you may look at their 5-8 record and think they’re a bad football team, but they’re anything but. They’ve lost some close games and look pretty damn good so far in December. That said, the Titans are in must-win mode – they have to keep pace in the AFC, and they’re riding a huge wave of momentum after that dominant performance against the Jags. I say they find a way to get it done.
NFL: Seattle -4.5 @ San Francisco – I think the Seahawks are just hitting their stride and could be getting hot at the right moment. Not going to put too much stock into the Niners’ upset of the Denver Broncos. This is a rivalry game, but I see the Hawks defending well and controlling the game with the run game.
NFL: New Orleans -6 @ Carolina – This is it, folks. This is the death nail for the 2018 Carolina Panthers.
W-L Record: (8-6-1)
Last Week: (1-3-1)
On the Season: (44-26-3) – 63%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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