I’ve been sitting here for about thirty minutes trying to figure out which movie Santa would come out on top in a Cage of Death scenario.
The easy answer is ‘Giant Santa’ from Jingle All the Way, as he knew his way around a choke slam and wouldn’t flinch at a stack of red/green light tubes. Others that come to mind include the Santas from Miracle on 34th Street, Elf, and Silent Night, Deadly Night. All badass Santas in their own right, but none has me confident enough to select over ‘Giant Santa’ assuming “Silent Night” Santa didn’t go on a bloody rampage.
I’d throw Santa’s Slay Santa in there, but my gut says he would be blown up before the shit really got popping in the COD. No…I think the only Santas that really have a shot at coming for ‘Giant Santa’ would be Bad Santa, The Santa Clause Santa and the shitty mall Santa from A Christmas Story.
These three Santas bring a griminess to the cage that the others do not. Obviously, Bad Santa wouldn’t give a good Santa damn about smashing some glass and throwing bows. He would show up drunk and leave drunker. I don’t think he takes ‘Giant Santa,’ but I think Bad Santa makes that fight extra, extra dirty.
The Santa Clause Santa would be the most organized going into the cage. His best elf Bernard would have a plan and a half to attack anyone/everyone across from his Santa. This would get dastardly and could very well be the difference in victory.
Finally comes that no good sumbitch from the mall in A Christmas Story. This rat bastard has the gall to tell Little Ralphie that he won’t be getting that sweet, Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle then kick him down a slide. That’s cold and heartless which are attributes that will be beneficial in the cage of death. That said, it’s a lot easier to bully around a kid versus a literal Giant Santa Claus. I think that rotten, no good mall Santa gets his comeuppance in the form of going face first through a barbed wire board before having his junk stapled to a 2 x 4 soaked in kerosene. Setting up our chokeslam into chestnuts roasting on an open fire finish brother.
Final Standings:
- ‘Giant Santa’ from “Jingle All the Way”
- “The Santa Claus”
- ‘Asshole Mall Santa’ from “A Christmas Story”
- Santa from “Silent Night, Deadly Night”
- Santa from “Miracle on 34th St.”
- Santa from “Elf”
- Santa from “Santa’s Slay”
John Mosley is the independent wrestling and TV aficionado of the SoBros Network. He graduated from ETSU with a degree in Radio, TV and Film along with a minor in Film Studies. Since graduating he’s done pretty much nothing but watch, film, edit or commentate for local wrestling promotions and is the current color commentator for Resolute Wrestling. #Preds #Titans #DefendOrVacateConor
Check out the SoBros Shop. Subscribe to our Patreon. Give us money for no reason. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube.
