Tank the 401k: ‘Officially Time to Panic’ Edition
Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
Oh boy. I am officially the Carolina Panthers of picking American football games. Four. Losing. Weeks. In a row. I’m disgusted with myself. You know that feeling when you see yourself in the mirror after you just ate a big meal? Like, you already hate yourself because you’ve eaten entirely way too much….then you see your gut pushed to the brink of explosion? That’s how shitty I feel writing this column this week.
You know what? I’m actually just thinking about cancelling the column, just so I can still walk away from 2018 with a winning record.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Army -7 vs. Navy – Army is 9-2, with a chance to finish the season with 11 wins if they can get past Navy and Houston (in the bowl game). Meanwhile, Navy has had one of the worst seasons I’ve seen them have in a long time. I know you throw the records out in big time rivalries like this one, but Army is poised to completely overwhelm the Midshipmen.
NFL: Carolina -1.5 @ Cleveland – The Panthers have to bounce back at some point, right? RIGHT!? What better time and place than with the Cleveland Browns who just had their playoff bubble busted against Houston? I mean, Cam Newton and company are going to wake up at some point, right? They have to, or else they’re going to be toast in the NFC playoff race. I think they get it done this Sunday.
NFL: Buffalo -3.5 vs. New York Jets – This is less about how terrible the Jets are (because I think the Bills are pretty bad, too), and more about Josh Allen beginning to find his way in that offense. He’s put together a couple of good games, and I think his rushing ability is the x-factor in beating the abysmal Jets. Allen has 234 rushing yards in his last two games.
NFL: Denver -5.5 @ San Francisco – I really like the Broncos – they’ve played a tough ass schedule and have somehow survived to find themselves in the thick of the AFC wild card race. It’s a good team! The 49ers are in the mix for the first overall pick next spring – I just don’t see anything but a dominant win here, as the Broncos are the more complete team in every phase of the game.
NFL: Seattle -3 vs. Minnesota – I’m buying the surging Seahawks at home in what could end up being a virtual elimination game in the NFC playoff race.
W-L Record: (8-5-1)
Last Week: (2-3)
On the Season: (43-23-2) – 65%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley