I Tried the Juniper Latte at Starbucks and It Is Pure Ass
Starbucks is advancing their quest to take over Christmas with the release of their juniper latte. That’s right – juniper…the tree…that’s the one. A latte that is literally marketed as a Christmas tree in a cup.
Evergreen mingles with roasty espresso and foam. Introducing the new #JuniperLatte.
Available in the U.S. and Canada. pic.twitter.com/NRfvYWqXP8
— Starbucks Coffee (@Starbucks) November 27, 2018
Yep – I did it. I drank a drink that is literally tree-flavored.You put pine needles in some espresso and milk, and I will try it. And, if that was the goal, they nailed it. Because that’s exactly what it tastes like, a legitimate Christmas tree. The thing is, trees don’t typically taste that good. Now, I’ve never tried a juniper tree, but I would assume that it doesn’t taste too different from other trees, of which I have tasted.
I powered through a venti, no less. Stopping every few sips to proclaim, “yes – yes, this tastes like a tree,” and then stopping to ask, “but, why though?”
Why are we here? Did they run out of Christmas flavors to run through and think, “well, shit – we gotta come up with something…HOW ABOUT THE TREE?!” What’s next? A wrapping paper latte?
But, what does this say about how much I blindly trust the Starbucks brand? I’m still unmoved in my love for Starbucks, even after drinking this garbage. Starbucks could put horse shit in a latte, and I’d be like, “ah, yeah – guess I’m going to give this a try.”
I’m just going to stick with my usual latte rotation of chestnut praline, gingerbread, egg nog, and the always reliable peppermint mocha.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley