Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
Wow. For the first time this season, I am technically on a losing streak. Fuck my butt, this sucks. This isn’t the expected behavior of a champion game picker. But, I’m starting to lose it a little bit. I’m losing my grip on reality. If I have another losing week, I don’t know what will happen. A full-on mental breakdown? Maybe. I’m starting to look at that bottle of Jack Daniel’s a little differently at this point. Those of you who read Tank the 401k last year will remember the significance of that (spoiler alert: I butt chug whiskey during episodes of mental collapse).
I’m in a bad way, guys. A bad way…let’s right this ship.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Florida -4 @ Florida State – I know the Seminoles just beat a good Boston College team, but this rivalry game is a drastic step up in competition. The Gators are flat out vastly superior. I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned into an ugly blowout.
NCAAF: SMU -2.5 @ Tulsa – The Mustangs will be going into this game playing for bowl eligibility, but if you look back at their season to this point, you’ll find they are a team that loses to better teams and handles inferior opponents. Tulsa isn’t as good as SMU, so I expect them to handle business and get to a bowl game.
NCAAF: LSU -2.5 @ Texas A&M – I know LSU isn’t nearly as good on the road as they are at home, and I know the Aggies are much better than we anticipated them to be. But, I just don’t see how Texas A&M is built to beat a team like LSU. Going to be hard for Trayveon Williams to get going, and he’s shown a propensity for disappearing at times this season. I think the Tigers ride a big defensive performance to a comfortable win.
NFL: Cincinnati -3 vs. Cleveland – These Browns have a lot of fight in them, but don’t sleep on the Bengals. They’re still in the thick of the AFC playoff race, and I think they’re still a little underrated. Plus, they just brought in Hue Jackson, sooooo……Super Bowl or bust.
NFL: Pittsburgh -3 @ Denver – The Steelers are asserting themselves as one of the legitimate Super Bowl contenders in the AFC. They nearly slipped up against an inferior Jacksonville Jaguars team a week ago. Hard to see them doing it again.
W-L Record: (8-3-1)
Last Week: (2-3)
On the Season: (39-17-2) – 70%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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