Tank the 401k: “Damn It” Edition

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!

A fucking disastrous week dropped me six percentage points to 69% on the season. #Nice and all, but DAMN IT, that SUCKS! The damn Panthers, the DAMN Falcons, and the DAMN Alabama-Mississippi State point total bent me over the rail and gave me the good what-have-you. This was just my second losing weekend of the year. I’m not going to lie, guys – I’m pretty decimated about this. You all know I’m a pretty fiery, emotional guy anyway – this just has me feeling ready to risk it all. Just going to put my entire life’s savings into this week’s ticket and roll with it. If I die, I die. Whatever.

Damn it.

I’m being dramatic again, aren’t I? Anyway, you can’t pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you don’t first fall down nekkid, am I right? Let’s get to fucking work.

BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS

NCAAF: Boston College -1 @ Florida State – I understand I got in trouble last week because I picked a ton of road teams, and I’m starting this week’s column by picking a road team, but I think there’s a lot to like about Boston College here. The Seminoles are terrible. I still say BC is able to run the ball and grind out a comfortable win.

NCAAF: Michigan State -2 @ Nebraska – Another road team, shit I know. But, I’m still not buying the Cornhuskers as a legitimate threat to anyone, especially a solid Spartans squad that has a sub-par record thanks to a brutal schedule.

NCAAF: Arkansas @ Mississippi State, UNDER 46.5 – Mississippi State may hit the under on this if the Razorbacks never score. All joking aside, I think it’s entirely possible the Razorbacks don’t score. This Bulldogs defense is good – one of the most underrated in the country, one of the best in the country. I could definitely see this one ending 34-10.

NFL: Green Bay @ Seattle, OVER 49 – Two struggling defenses and two offenses more than capable of posting 30. Seems pretty logical to me, no?

NFL: Los Angeles Rams -2.5 vs. Kansas City – Whew, buddy. The biggest NFL game I can remember in a long time, but I do believe the Rams get the edge because of their defense. There are a few teams in the NFL that can score with the Chiefs, and the Rams are one of them. This one should be a shootout, but I like Todd Gurley more than I like Tyreek Hill, and I like Aaron Donald to pad his sack lead.

W-L Record: (8-2-1)
Last Week: (1-3-1)
On the Season: (37-15-2) – 69%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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