Thanksgiving – Dick Flamingo

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The name is Flamingo.

Dick Flamingo.

It’s time for me to drop some common sense.

It’s the best time of the year – the holidays – the THanksgiving to be exact. Now, a lot of y’all are probably thinking, “Dick, calm down it was just Halloween,” but time flies and y’all know that. Y’all know we hardly got time to breathe in between all of these holidays. It’s going to be a real riot. You gotta be prepared to put the pumpkins down and pick up the turkey in the same breath, you know what I’m saying?

I love Halloween. I usually don’t find a better chance to bang sluts than Halloween, New Year’s, and hanging around the port-o-potties at CMA Fest. So, Halloween’s one of the “Cheap Sex Trinity” holidays. And, I’m a big fan of M&Ms, too, and you can usually find a good deal on M&Ms after Halloween has passed. So, I love it.

People make Thanksgiving out to be about turkey, family, football, and food. But, I don’t particularly care for turkey. Plus, what the fuck is stopping you from eating turkey year round? Bunch of dumbasses. Football comes on every Sunday in the fall. You get like half a fuckin’ year of football! Finally, who out there actually likes their family? I don’t. I go every year because my cousin Sally is 22 years old and has some of the hottest friends you can imagine. Each year, I hope she brings one over so I can get into Flamingo Mode and try to charm her.

My family is a bunch of shit bags. Mom has a different coke head on our couch every year, my brother Dale always brings boxed mashed potatoes, and someone always has to put grandpa outside ’cause he shits his self. You think I’m happy to spend a day with those lowlifes?

No, Thanksgiving is about the night before to me, and that’s why I’m here to spread the awareness today.

The night before Thanksgiving is THE biggest party night of the year, in case you haven’t heard. Everyone’s back in their hometown and looking to party. Everyone has the day off of work the next day. So, you know shit is going to go down, but it’s been that way for years. But, it’s quietly become a great night if you’re out lookin’ for sex, which is what I do most nights. Sex, booze, hard drugs, unnecessary violence, and petty crime – that’s like….Dick Flamingo in a sentence.

Shit, I threatened Stoney and Poppa Bear with a knife just to get this job!

But, as I was saying, if you play your cards right, you can at least get a little rub and tug action going before they even cut the turkey’s head off.

I’m not ready to put Thanksgiving in the Cheap Sex Trinity of holidays, but you never know when you have that night before and you never know when your cousin’s going to bring a hot friend to family dinner. Anything can happen on turkey day. It’s like second tier as a sex holiday.

Anyway, this has been another Dick Flamingo essay and I’ll talk to y’all next time.

Dick Flamingo is the Opinion Columnist for SoBros Network. Dick Flamingo is “Chief Expert on Not Giving a Fuck,” according to Dick Flamingo. Follow on Twitter: @SoBroFlamingo

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