Tank the 401k: ‘Self Talk’ Edition

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!

Welp 4/5 last week means I am officially back on my bullshit. I know this is a veritable kiss of death to say this, but man – I am honestly surprised at the season I’m having. The only pick I got wrong last week was Northwestern -4 vs. Nebraska. That pick looked like it was going to come back to bite me as the Cornhuskers had a big lead in that game. But, the Wildcats showed some fight and rallied to win by three. THREE! They failed to cover by a point and give me my second perfect weekend of the year. Mother. Fuckers.

I’ve been particularly good on over/unders this year, so maybe it’s time I just give up trying to pick the spread and just hit the point totals. Maybe that is my key to holding on here. I don’t know – maybe I shouldn’t overthink it. Maybe I should just keep going with my gut and let’s see what happens later.

Anyway, I’m just talking to myself here and not only is that not entertaining, but it’s just making me look like a crazy shithead…let’s get to this week’s slate…

BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS

NCAAF: Arkansas -7 vs. Tulsa – On the surface, Tulsa looks like a 1-5 team going on the road to play an SEC opponent. What’s not to love, right? Well, the Golden Hurricane has been a little more competitive than their record would indicate, even playing within a touchdown of Texas. But, this Razorbacks team has been dying for a win. They were competitive against Texas A&M. Nick Saban went on a rant about the defense after Alabama played Arkansas. And, they blew a late lead against Ole Miss. This team is tougher than their putrid SEC record would indicate – I say they make the most of this opportunity to make a statement at home.

NCAAF: Oklahoma -7.5 @ TCU – With West Virginia going down, the Sooners have to smell blood in the water in the Big 12. This isn’t just about the Horned Frogs being disappointing, this is essentially the door opening for Oklahoma to get back into the national conversation if they can run the table in the Big 12. And, yeah, the Sooners are simply way more talented than TCU, too.

NCAAF: LSU -6.5 vs. Mississippi State – This isn’t as much confidence in the Tigers as it is my still-held belief that the Bulldogs have been overrated all preseason and season. LSU and Coach O are thinkin’ playoffs, baby. They may take the 2017 Alabama route to get there, but they could very well be in the hunt if we see many more weekends like last weekend inside the top 10.

NFL: Minnesota -3.5 @ New York Jets – Who would’ve thought Sam Darnold would have the Jets in contention for a playoff spot at this point?!?! Not I…but, that said, I think the Vikings are a vastly superior team right now who happens to have covered their last two spreads. I’ll take Minnesota by four, sure!

NFL: Houston +5 @ Jacksonville – Two teams heading in opposite directions. That once vaunted Jags defense has gotten its collective butthole wallered out in the last two games. Meanwhile, the Texans seem to have found their footing on the 2018 season. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them win this game and take control of the AFC South, but regardless, I think this one will come down to the wire.

W-L Record: (5-1-1)
Last Week: (4-1)
On the Season: (22-11-1) – 67%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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