I’m going to be completely transparent with you guys. I don’t have a fuckin’ clue how y’all can make your arms ginormous. I’m just in a bit of a bind here. See, we sat down to make our yearly goals back in December, and one of those was a certain number of pageviews in a given month. Well, right now, we’re on pace to SURPASS that number, and I just want to be sure we get there. So, I’m going to try and keep this train going with some good old fashioned clickbait.
Clickbait works – it just flat out does. Or else people wouldn’t do it, right? I mean, developing a strong aversion for it is a learned skill in this day and age. But, we’ve always said we don’t want to be that kind of web site. We just want to write good shit and we want to make people laugh. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s become clear to me that we will never amount to anything in life unless we start writing clickbait. So, here I am. Clickbaiting away. Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait.
That said, now I do feel a little guilty. If you’re reading this, you’ve clearly fallen for the click bait. But, I’ve already established that I have no credentials for coaching fitness. Uhhh…I’m going to give it a shot, though. Because, if nothing else, I can journalism my way to some decent advice.
You Won’t Believe This One Simple Trick That Doctors Guarantee Will Make Your Arms GINORMOUS
Here we go – these are the tips that I can provide as an internet content producer as to how you can make your arms as big as Hulk Hogan’s.
1. Do at least 500 curls every day – You can rotate arms if you want to. Do 500 with your left arm Monday, 500 with your right arm Tuesday, etc. etc.. The point is that you always want to be working your arms. Never stop working your arms. At every free moment you have, curl something…it doesn’t matter if it’s your phone or a peanut. Practice ‘ABC’ – always be curling.
2. Eat nothing but scrambled eggs and chicken – Always. For as long as it takes to get ginormous arms. You want to eat NOTHING but protein. I usually find that 84 straight meals of 12 scrambled eggs and an entire roasted chicken will do the trick.
3. Drink five gallons of water an hour – You might not understand but water acts as motor oil to the body in the sense that it helps your engine run. The more water you drink, the better your engine runs. They say you actually can drink too much water, but that is a myth.
4. Sleep at least 10 hours a day – give your arms plenty of time to rest. It’s science. The more you sleep, the more muscle you build. I read it in Scientific Digest that if all you did was sleep, your muscles would not stop growing and we’d all be the size of the Incredible Hulk.
5. Masturbate relentlessly – you just gotta do something to constantly keep your heart rate up that also works your arm. I don’t know – this is just the first thing that came to mind. I’m grasping straws here guys…maybe I don’t know how to write good clickbait after all.
Real talk – these fucking viral marketers drive me up a damn wall. They hit me up, offering to pay to run a post on the site, but when I tell them it has to feature ‘sponsored content’ in the headline, they scoff at me. Fuck that – you guys have my word that if anything runs on this website that wasn’t written by us, you will know it before you click the link. I had to turn down money to uphold that value last week. That’s not how you build real connections with people, and anyone that wants to try and change that can sniff my dink.
PS. Can somebody please work the fitness joke into this article for me? You know…”you into fitness?” “fitness dick in yo mouth!” THAT fitness joke! I couldn’t find anywhere to put it (that’s what she said – okay, I’m done).
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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