Important news for those of you out there who like to rub things on your tooshie in entirely inappropriate settings. A hero of your community has been caught after reportedly pulling his butt out in a grocery store and giving some unassuming vegetables the business.
A man is accused of rubbing his bare behind on produce at a grocery store in northern Virginia before putting the items back on display.
News outlets report 27-year-old Michael Dwayne Johnson, of Manassas, is charged with indecent exposure and destruction of property. A Manassas police release says an employee on Saturday noticed Johnson grabbing produce, pulling down his pants and rubbing the produce on his behind before putting it back.
Wait, is this The Rock? What the hell is Dwayne Johnson doing in Manassas? He seems like a pretty transparent guy, too. Like, if he were the type of man to rub produce on his ass, I feel like there would be in an Instagram post about it somewhere. You know what? This can’t be the same Dwayne Johnson.
How does it feel to be that employee, though? Imagine just going through your day, stocking shelves, sweeping floors, ringing up customers and such. Then, out of nowhere, you got a wild card taking the kale and clappin’ that ass on it. How do you respond? If it’s me, I want everything to feel as normal as possible. I don’t want to alert the guy that he’s about to be arrested, because then he might resist. So, to appease him, I’d probably join in and clamp a couple carrots in my crack. But, that’s just me.
But, at least this guy wasn’t putting the produce in his bare ass. Then, we got a whole different ball game on our hands.
It says the store had to destroy several pallets of produce because of Johnson’s actions. A police spokeswoman says the report lists fruit as the ruined produce. Authorities have not released a motive.
That just seems wasteful. I mean, we have the five second rule. Does it apply to human asses the same way it applies to kitchen floors? Depending on how much food touched this man’s butthole, that could be a lot of veggies to waste – what a shame that would be.
And, I’m going to guess there isn’t a real motive. The dude’s motive is probably just pure human instinct – it feels good. Now, it’s got me wondering….probably going to go try it out. Don’t tell my girlfriend before she cooks up the broccoli for dinner, HEYO!
I’m going to end this post on that zinger. Feel pretty good about that one.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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