For those of you who know the SoBros Network team, you know we’re a fun loving bunch that likes to get a little rowdy on the weekends. But, as a team, we’ve never really been in an environment where we’ve been threatened with great violence. Which is, oddly, something we talk about quite regularly. Just a couple of weeks ago, we talked about teaming up to fight someone who was talking shit about our friend Lane. Now that news is breaking that bears are invading Middle Tennessee, attempting to take back the lands from which we (humans) drove them, it has me pondering a different question.
A bear has been spotted at least twice in Middle Tennessee this month, one of those times in Davidson County.
According to wildlife experts, the black bear sighting in Joelton is the only one recorded in Davidson County in modern history — at least since the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency was founded in the mid-1970s.
Barry Cross, a TWRA wildlife information specialist for the Middle Tennessee region, said he estimates there hasn’t been a population of black bears in the county since sometime in the late 1800s, when they were mostly killed off in the area.
Naturally, the big takeaway from this story is, “could the SoBros take down a live bear if it entered their property?”
It’s tough, but it’s the first thing I think of when I read this story. Now, first of all, it depends on who’s actually with us. If it’s just me, I’m toast. That bear is going to have its way with me, maybe even sexually if it feels so inclined. My point is that there’s nothing I can do to stop it from doing anything it wants to my body.
But, if I have a few of the SoBros with me, then yeah – I think we have a puncher’s chance.
It’s probably going to take at least five of us if I had to guess, and there’s going to at least be one sacrifice. I don’t believe in using guns in fights with animals who can’t use them. So, I’m assuming this is a bare knuckle brawl, mano y mano. I don’t feel like “Nature Boy” Brandon Vick, Herbie Brooks, or Rubber Rooster would be game for this. Smokey is far too critical to the success of this website to risk losing in a bear fight. So, I’m thinking it’d come down to me, Poppa Bear, Cadbury, Mose, and friend of the brand, Mack Lunn.
We throw Mose to the bear. I fight back tears because I love Mose to death, and then the remaining four just attack the bear from all sides. Mack runs in from behind and literally puts his foot in the bear’s ass. Poppa Bear and Cadbury attack from each side, crushing the bears ribs with each blow. Don’t worry – they are that strong. Then, I bravely jump on the bear’s snout, and hold it shut until the bear concedes with broken ribs and a wallered out butthole.
The five of us (the four who lived and the bear) grieve the lost of Mose. It’s a shame he had to be eaten by a bear in all of this, but he is the rookie on the team, and that’s just how hazing goes. Sometimes, you drink a gallon of milk in five minutes. Sometimes, you’re eaten by a bear. But, ultimately, the SoBros come out victorious and with a new friend (the bear). We build a statue of Mose to place outside of SoBros HQ to honor his work in bridging the divide between people and bears.
Thank you for reading this great piece of journalism today.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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