They Poopin’ on People’s Porches in North Nashville Now

 In Nashville

I say it all the time, folks. The bigger our city gets, the weirder the crimes are going to get. You see it in every major city – people just acting flat out weird. Don’t believe me? Go stay a weekend in New York City or San Francisco. Still, I can’t imagine being this North Nashville couple, and trying to figure out just why the hell someone keeps pooping on my porch.

Courtesy of WKRN:

A couple in North Nashville tells News 2 they feel like they’re being targeted and they’re not sure why.

Ben and Ariel Hortman live in the Buena Vista community in North Nashville off of Buchanan Street. They said in the past week they’ve found human feces on their front porch swing, twice.

“It’s pretty sickening…the amount.” said Ariel Hortman

The couple shared surveillance footage with News 2 of what they say, is a woman placing the feces on their front porch swing.

Ariel Hortman described what’s in the video as, “She casually walks up on the porch, just kind of swinging and relaxing, and then she sat down here – she first starts to take off the covers, puts a plastic bag down, and empties it and kind of smears it over, and walks off.”

I don’t need to hear that it’s a “sickening amount” of feces, ma’am. Like, just saying someone crapped on your swing is egregious enough. I don’t need details that make my stomach turn a bit, y’know? But, folks, that’s a mystery that no detective wants to touch. I feel bad for this couple – like, it’s one thing to have people hitting your mailbox with a baseball bat or rolling your house. It’s a totally different monster to walk out on your front porch and see human shit sitting in your swing.

That’s a nice swing, too. Do you know how mad I would be if I had a swing that nice and someone shit on it? Some things don’t wash out, you know? I don’t know if I could ever enjoy a nice mild evening in that swing ever again. I might be tempted to burn the thing in the front yard. Forget trying to figure out who’s defacing my property. Forget trying to figure out why.

I just want to know who – and once I know who, you best believe I’m gonna avenge my swing for the disrespect you put on it. I’m going to shit on everything you own – literally….I will make a point to ONLY use the bathroom on your property. Actually, I’m so pissed that someone did this to this sweet couple, that I’m thinking about joining the investigation, too. We get a lead, and I’ll shit on ’em. In their sleep, if need be. I can be the police officer’s secret shitting weapon (because everyone knows the police help crime victims retaliate upon their aggressors….).

But, that’s just me. This couple is obviously a bit more reserved than I’d be. But, come on, guys. Let’s #BeBetter and not shit on our neighbor’s stuff. Now, can we please stop talking about poop?

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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