The name is Flamingo.
Dick Flamingo.
Sorry, guys – I haven’t been in touch since Poutine. Been too busy fuckin’ – haha J/K but could you imagine? Fuckin’ for two and a half months straight? Anyway, I just thought I’d check in with you guys.
I know everyone thinks I was only hired here because I threatened Stoney and Poppa Bear with a knife, but butt fuck it – I have opinions, too. And, besides, it’s a big week for Nashville. Why? Because it’s CMA Fest, and CMA Fest fucks.
I remember the first time I went to CMA Fest. I was tripping balls – got some quality shrooms from my boy Catballs, popped ’em, drank a few Buds, and you wouldn’t believe the shit I saw. Was laying in the grass outside Nissan Stadium, and I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t look up and see Captain Jack Sparrow heading the Black Pearl, chasing down Ghost Rider as he races across the sky.
That’s actually all I remember from that CMA Fest, so it’s really not a great place to start. I don’t know how I got home that night, but I woke up with an eye patch on and a prosthetic leg in the bed next to me. I still have it, and I still don’t know who it belongs to – the leg and the eye patch, actually.
I’ve been every year since then, some a little more sober than others, except for the one year I missed it ’cause I broke my arm, got addicted to painkillers, and stumbled off into the woods of Smithville. I turned up floating in Center Hill Lake and some people were kind enough to call the cops on me, but I didn’t make it home in time to clean up my life and go to CMA Fest.
For the most part, it’s just a roaring good time. Country music is about having fun and that’s all you get for an entire week, but if you play your cards right, you just may be able to have TONS of sex.
Even if you don’t seal the deal, there’s plenty of stuff to jerk off to if you keep a sharp mind and memory. Women walking around in sundresses and cowboy boots. They love to make their titties look good, and if that’s the case, one of them is probably going to pop out over the course of the night. Or, if you’re the type that likes to flick your bean, and that is to say if you are a woman or otherwise possess a vagina, I imagine you LOVE seeing all the shirtless dudes roaming around.
Just an all-around smell of sex filling the air. Especially if Darius Rucker is playing.
One year, I fucked a big ‘en in a port-o-potty and the whole time, I just got this overwhelming scent of catfish on a dusty old mattress. It was pretty wild. To this day, I don’t know if it was the port-o-potty or if it was the big ‘en. See, your taint gets all smelly out there after a while. Makes it hard to tell. But, my point is that at CMA Fest, all bets are off. It’s a good time, and you might just get a hole plugged while you’re at it. That’s my definition of fun. Can’t wait for this year’s installment.
Anyway, this has been Dick Flamingo and I’ll talk to y’all next time.
Dick Flamingo is the Opinion Columnist for SoBros Network. Dick Flamingo is “Chief Expert on Not Giving a Fuck,” according to Dick Flamingo. Follow on Twitter: @SoBroFlamingo
Buy our shirt. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube. Shop our store on Redbubble.
