You Just Can’t Go After the Loch Ness Monster With Science

 In Humor, News

The Loch Ness Monster is a legendary mythical beast. For what feels like all of eternity, people have been trying to solve the riddle of what this creature is, but it’s definitely not just some weird illusion or folk tale. Now, there’s a new team of scientists aiming to square this away once and for all.

Courtesy of WKRN:

The stories seem as tall as the lake is deep. For hundreds of years, visitors to Scotland’s Loch Ness have described seeing a monster that some believe lurks in the depths.

But now the legend of “Nessie” may have no place left to hide. A New Zealand scientist is leading an international team to the lake next month, where they will take samples of the murky waters and conduct DNA tests to determine what species live there.

Number one rule of science is that you can’t prove that something doesn’t exist. I learned that fine fact at the Harvard of the South (aka Middle Tennessee State University). Sure, these guys might be able to figure out that all manner of catfish or whatever lives in lakes in Scotland populate the waters. But, I don’t know how effective this will be in discovering the Loch Ness Monster.

Gemmell said that when creatures move about in water, they leave behind tiny fragments of DNA. It comes from their skin, feathers, scales and urine.

He said his team will take 300 samples of water from different points around the lake and at different depths. They will filter the organic material and extract the DNA, he said, sequencing it by using technology originally created for the human genome project.

He said the DNA results will then be compared against a database of known species. He said they should have answers by the end of the year.

I admire these doctors’ courageous spirit, but they are unequivocally doomed. If they poke around too much, it is entirely possible that they are eaten by the beast. If not, their mission will be a complete failure, and their careers will likely suffer for it. You saw what happened to the doctor in Thor: The Dark World. Eric, I believe was his name – runnin’ round nekkid as a jaybird at Stonehenge.

Anyway, my advice to these scientists would be to just throw the whole damn rule book out the window. The science rule book, that is.

Anyone who knows anything about magic knows that you can’t fight magic with science. You need more powerful magic. And, maybe that’s where all these scientists are getting it wrong. You try to classify this creature as something of this world, but it’s most likely a magical being. That’s why all of your science keeps falling short.

I mean, sightings of this thing have been going on for decades? How old would this creature be? What could possibly be keeping it alive other than magic?

The one stone left to unturn in this great mystery? You guessed it – Criss Angel.

You really want this mystery solved, you get on the phone and you tell the operator that you want Criss fucking Angel PRONTO. There’s a mystery that needs magical solving, and no one else can handle the job.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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