Big news out of the animal kingdom as it’s being discovered that a breed of marsupials are dying at an alarming rate. So much so that they’ve been placed on an endangered list. The cause you might be wondering? Because the males die after a big gigantic marathon marsupial orgy.
An endangered marsupial found only in certain parts of Queensland has been placed on the Federal Government’s endangered list by having too much sex, researchers say.
The tiny antechinus argentus inhabits the highest peaks of Kroombit Tops, south west of Gladstone in central Queensland, as well as two isolated areas near the Queensland–New South Wales border.
The Queensland University of Technology’s Andrew Baker said the males have so much sex during mating season that their bodies produce fatal levels of testosterone.
Brutal – just brutal. Could you imagine getting so excited for raunchy group sex only to find out you’re going to die at the end of it? Oh, and the way you find out? It’s because you’re actually dying.
No chance to stop and think about your actions, just humpin’ and humpin’ and the next thing you know, you have testosterone flowing out of your eyes.
That sucks. You truly are just living to bone at that point. That is your only function and purpose in life.
Am I a terrible person for wondering what the world would be like if this happened to humans? Probably. Can’t stop my mind, though!
“At the same time every year, they have three-week sex marathon sessions,” Dr Baker said.
“It’s really just a big session of all the males and all the females trying to mate with each other as quickly as possible and at the end of that … the males all die.
I don’t know why, but I get the impression whoever they’re quoting is really excited about this big marsupial death orgy.
The sex sessions can last from several hours up to 14 hours at a time.
I can barely stay awake for 14 hours, my goodness. Can you imagine?
Finally, I’ll leave you all with this parting thought. These marsupials need a catchier name than ‘antechinus argentus,’ so I’m petitioning to have their names changed to ‘fuckmice.’
Alright, that should keep your Wednesday going on a high note.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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