(SPOILERS) The Real Asshole in Avengers: Infinity War Is…

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SPOILERS! Avengers: Infinity War – SPOILERS AHEAD!

 

In case you missed it, there are Avengers: Infinity War spoilers in this post.

Seriously, this is your last chance to back out of this post. The SoBros Network team went to see Infinity War over the weekend. You can read our thoughts here. It was an absolute roller coaster of emotion that saw literally half of all existing life in the universe die. Thanos brought with him a path of destruction the likes of which The Avengers had never seen. Even the Black Order, or Children of Thanos, showed up, though the Avengers eventually overpowered them.

Josh Brolin’s Thanos was an absolute stroke of brilliance for a franchise that finally appears to be getting its villains right (see: Vulture, Killmonger). He obviously wants to cleanse the universe of the plague of overpopulation, and thinks he’s doing the right thing. But, it means sacrifice, and even the Mad Titan isn’t immune. To acquire the Soul Stone, he has to sacrifice the life of his daughter Gamora, who he apparently actually loves. Shocking, I know. But, ultimately, Thanos shows us how menacing he is by taking Gamora and throwing her off a damn cliff as his new buddy Red Skull (breaking news: he’s still alive) looks like on like, “yeah dude – you gotta. Sorry, Soul Stone’s rules, not mine.”

It’s a total bitch move, I’ll say it. Thanos is a fucking butt. But, he’s committed to his cause, and no one should be surprised that he was willing to risk it all for his cause. There’s work to do and as he said later on, he “had to do it.” Can you really be disappointed by someone who acted just as they were expected to? I mean, shouldn’t we have known better? No – Thanos behaved as Thanos was predicted to.

But, the real asshole in this whole thing is definitely Star-Lord.

That’s right – the charismatic Peter Quill, popular darling of the Guardians of the Galaxy franchise. But, you want to talk about losing your cool? Check out this guy’s handiwork in Infinity War.

On Thanos’ home planet, Titan, Quill, his Guardians compatriots Drax, Mantis, and Nebula, Iron Man, Spider-Man, and Doctor Strange go toe-to-toe with Thanos. Things actually look to be going astonishingly well. They’re holding Thanos down, with Mantis doing her weird little mind tricks, trying to get the Infinity Gauntlet off of his hand.  But, then, ol’ Star-Lord finds out that Thanos killed Gamora, and it’s ball game.

No matter what Tony, Peter, or Stephen say, they can’t calm down Star-Lord. Quill starts pistol whipping the shit out of Thanos’ face, and of course, it wakes him up and the Avengers can’t get the damn Infinity Gauntlet off of his hand. Thanos starts whoopin’ some ass and the plan just falls to shit.

Star-Lord absolutely goes into business for himself, but it cost the universe half of its existing life. He dies and his friends die. Most of the people he loved are now dead. There’s no way this guy could play for Nick Saban. He just doesn’t have the team-first attitude down pat. He’d rather let half of all life in the universe die just so he can get a couple licks in on a dude that’s virtually invincible compared to him. No way he could play for Bill Belichick, either. No sir, not with that lack of discipline. Now, I’ll give him some credit because we don’t know what would’ve happened had he kept calm and they actually got the gauntlet off of Thanos. But, I’ll say this – it sure would’ve made things a lot easier if they had gotten it off.

So, way to screw the whole damn thing up Star-Lord. You’re an asshole and…what’s that?

DAMN IT MY FINGERS ARE STARTING TO FLITTER AWAY INTO OBLIVION, TOO. I DON’T WANT TO GO MR. STARK

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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