I honestly can’t recall ever stepping foot in Hickman County. I know what you’re thinking – those of you who have become familiar with my work, anyway. You’re expecting me to come out guns a blazing on rural Tennessee when you read a headline like this. Well, guess what – I’m an objective journalist, and I would never do something like that…especially in my homeland state. I’m only here to report the news, and folks – the news is juicy today.
Courtesy of our friends over at WKRN:
Authorities in Hickman County say there was no “murder or dismemberment,” despite an ad that appeared in the county’s paper, leaving several residents concerned and confused.
The ad, which appeared in Monday’s Hickman County Times mentions a $500 reward “for information leading to the arrest of the four men who cut another man to pieces on the night of Sunday, April 8, on the lower end of Missionary Ridge Road.”
Wait…what? Can you just randomly decide to take out ads offering rewards for stuff like this in Hickman County? What kind of operation is this? Did the police take out the ad? Or, was this just Janice down the street who wants to exact revenge? Am I reading a news article or an episode of Unsolved Mysteries?
Also, anyone who’s actually from the country knows that “to pieces” doesn’t literally mean into pieces. Could you imagine? Haven’t you heard someone say “I love you to pieces?” Could you imagine if they literally meant they wanted to love you into a million tiny pieces!?!?
A thread with countless comments and more than 100 shares appeared that night in the Facebook group, Concerned Citizens of Hickman County. It featured a screenshot of the newspaper ad and the caption, “wait, what???”
Gotta sell papers, baby! Can’t blame the Hickman Country Times, y’know? It’s 2018 – times are tough for the newspaper industry. I can just hear the editor in an office somewhere…”Yeah – we gotta move some papers. I know! Let’s say someone done got cut to pieces!”
When asked about the ad, the Hickman County Sheriff’s Office said “there is an active stabbing investigation” and “there has been no murder or dismemberment.”
So, yeah – a dude just got stabbed. I have to say…hindsight is 20/20, of course…but now that we know a dude didn’t get literally chopped up into pieces Jason Voorhees style, all of this outrage and confusion is hilarious. People actually read that and thought, “my God we got a serial killer in Hickman County!”
PS:
I see you, Josh Breslow – #BreslowMania is runnin’ wild!
PSS: How could I forget? One of the golden rules of SoBros Network: you drop Unsolved Mysteries in an article, you include the theme song:
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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