Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
No clue what I’m going to write about the next seven months. Just still struggling with this overwhelming sense of loss that is the complete conclusion of football season. It’s over, folks. And, I might collapse. We’ve put a lot of hard work into covering the gridiron, and I’m ready to slip into a coma. But, of course, not before we give one last stream of information. So, here we go – our official last Tank the 401k column of the 2017 season.
BIG NATURAL’S SUPER BOWL BETTING GUIDE
The Spread – I say take Philadelphia at +4.5. Yeesh. I do not feel good about that, but I feel like this game is going to come down to a field goal. I do think the Pats win, but in one of those 24-21 or 28-24 type of games. Either way, the Eagles cover.
The Point Total – It’s currently sitting at 48.5, and I say take the over. Why? Because it’s the Super Bowl, and life’s too fuckin’ short to bet the under.
Super Bowl MVP – The odds on favorite is, of course, Tom Brady. But, I’ve got a few x-factor long shots I’d be throwing my money down on to try and win big. This is a fun one – I’m looking at Nelson Agholor at +6600, Brandon Graham at +10000, Danny Amendola at +1800, and James White at +4000.
Pink’s Hair Color – Yes this is an actual thing you can bet on, and I’m going with brown/black at +900.
Most Receiving Yards – This is another high risk pick, but I’m going with the long odds and a few big plays from Nelson Agholor at +700.
Most Rushing Yards – Jay Ajayi is the favorite, but I’m going with LeGarrette Blount at +500 because you aren’t going to win any money with Ajayi at -160. It’s part prediction, part strategy, folks.
Total Points for Philadelphia – Currently sitting at 21.5, and I say take the over. The Eagles offense is humming right now, and I don’t think the Patriots will be able to completely stop it.
Total Points for New England – Currently sitting at 27, and I say take the over. Just take the over on everything and hope for a points bonanza. It really could be that way, and let me remind you, life’s to short to bet the under.
Largest Point Lead – Right now, the number’s 13. I know I literally just got done saying bet the over on everything, but I like the under here, because I think this game is going to be close all the way to the end.
First Touchdown Scorer – James White at +1400. Plain and simple – James White gets TDs in the postseason. That’s just common knowledge.
See y’all in a few months for my Spring Futures edition of Tank the 401k. And, of course, you know we’ll be picking back up in September. Enjoy the offseason, and get some damn rest.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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