The name is Flamingo.
Dick Flamingo.
That’s right chief, the SoBros have finally tapped the infinite source of wisdom that is The Flamingo. You see, ol Dick here met your editor at Buffalo Billiards in downtown Nashville. After knocking back enough gin to kill a small army with Dick Doyle and Big Natural, Stoney offered Doyle a gig writing about baseball. I told that hairy bastard that he can’t just leave me out like that. I have thoughts and opinions that people need to know. After I promised to put away my switchblade, I was made an official SoBro. Now it’s time to do what I do best: deliver the goods.
People of the world, it’s about damn time we talk about Tide Pods. In case you don’t have cable in your Winnebago, let me explain. You see, some dipshit kids are chewing/eating Tide Pods and recording it in an attempt to be funny or something. In my day, you smacked each other in the nuts. That shit was funny. Now? You’re eating a little sack of poison to get YouTube hits.
If I was a 911 operator, here’s how an emergency phone call involving Tide Pods would go:
Dumbass Parent: Yes, my son ate a Tide Pod and now he’s foaming at the mouth and smells like lilac.
The Flamingo: Ma’am, just calm down. Is your son over the age of 9?
Dumbass Parent: He’s 22.
The Flamingo: Then we’re all better off. And buy some Mountain Breeze. Lilac is for sissies. *click*
You see, it’s that simple. We need to let nature and Darwinism win here. That amount of stupidity just needs to be taken out of the gene pool. Honestly, nothing should come with a warning label. If you need a sticker to tell you not to make toast in the bathtub, then go ahead and make some damned toast.
I say unleash the Tide Pods. Don’t lock them up in the store. Make that shit accessible! It’s like a plague, but only for stupid people. That’s the best kind of plague!
Now, for those of you making a fuss about people who accidentally ingest them, that’s a different story. Toddlers and such shouldn’t be anywhere near those little ball sacks of death. Honestly, Tide, I’m laying 20% of the blame at your feet. Maybe if you didn’t make a poisonous cleaning product look like a fucking gummy bear, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Moral of the story: eat vitamins, not Tide Pods.
Team Mountain Breeze.
Flamingo. Out.
Dick Flamingo is the Opinion Columnist for SoBros Network. Dick Flamingo is “Chief Expert on Not Giving a Fuck,” according to Dick Flamingo. Follow on Twitter: @SoBroFlamingo
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