That’s right ladies and gentlemen; the Vols have a new head coach! It is none other than I, your friendly neighborhood Poppa Bear.
I know what you’re thinking: “Poppa Bear, how did you land such a prestigious position for your first coaching job?” I’m glad you asked.
You see, I laid out three major qualities that put me in the top echelon of candidates:
1. My incredible skills and strategy on the Xbox
2. Years of high school football, where I sort of paid attention
3. Willingness to actually take the job
I had many more qualities to list, but John Currie stopped me at three and offered me the job. Now, your boy isn’t just some geek off the street (Regulators reference), so we had to hammer out a contract that I could agree to. In the interest of full transparency, and so Vol Nation doesn’t riot, I’ll explain the terms of my contract openly.
I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not fancy. I don’t require much. Millions of dollars to coach college football? I’m not that needy. We settled on $100k per year, a meal plan for the university cafeteria (hello Belgian waffle station), my own rascal scooter, and a sideline stocked bar. I also never have to wear the color orange and all team meals will be catered by Chick Fil A. John Currie also promised me a ticket to one of Ellen’s 12 Days of Giveaway shows, which is worth its weight in gold. My buy-out only consists of UT funding a Goonies sequel, where I have a supporting role.
Overall, I made out like a bandit.
The next step is obviously hiring a staff. Hire number one: you guessed it, Lane Kiffin. Lane will have total control over the most important aspect of my team: my Twitter account. That’s right, the master troll himself will be running the tweet show. He’ll get 50k a year, three free teeth cleanings, and he can continue as head coach of FAU. Up next, we’re bringing on Mike Leach as the head of PR. He’ll be the mouthpiece of UT football while I’m in charge. All press conferences and interviews will consist of shallow musings from Leach. All interviews will be given to all networks, except channel 4. If channel 4 wants in, they can only send Demetria Kalodimos. Suck on that WSMV.
For strengthening and conditioning: Christian Bale. That man knows how to make his weight fluctuate like nobody’s business. Plus, he was the damned Batman. He’s in. Recruiting? Clay Travis. Two reasons here: 1. He talked his hot wife into marrying him. Hell of a salesman. 2. Attractive SEC women like taking pictures with him. Can’t argue with that, so he’s in. Defensive Coordinator: Stone Cold Steve Austin. The best defense is a good offense, and its hard to run the football when you’re getting a Stone Cold Stunner every play. Offensive Coordinator: the smart kid from the Little Giants. He engineered the greatest upset in football history AND invented the Annexation of Puerto Rico. I need that kind of innovative thinking to take over the SEC. Quarterback coach: Callie Bundy. That lady can heave a football and will ensure full attendance at all team activities. O-Line coach: Bruce Matthews. If he turns it down, we’ll just put my dad in a Matthews jersey out there. From far away, you won’t be able to tell. Team mom: Betty White, for obvious reasons.
There are a few other jobs open for those of you anxious to join the greatest staff ever assembled. If you’d like to apply for any job that isn’t listed above (or if you want to make a job title up), let me know on Twitter. Lane will start sorting through them, and I’ll hire the best available. Until then, Vol Nation, I have arrived to save you. You’re in good hands.
Poppa Bear is the Lead SEC Analyst for the SoBros Network, and serves as our resident expert on the human anatomy, fixin’ stuff, and tomatoes. Follow on Twitter:@SoBroPoppaBear
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