Some things are synonymous with Summer – vacation, lemonade, barbecues, fireworks, sweat, and if you’re around 30 years old, the heralded Super Soaker 50.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to another fine installment of The SoBros Network’s look back at some of the most precious gems of America’s yesteryear. Hopefully, you’ve poured yourself a nice warm glass of brandy, have stuffed your pipe (with legal tobacco products only, of course), have put on your finest silk robe and slippers, and are sitting fireside in your study. This is a column dedicated to reflection and appreciation – giving those treasures, once a staple of Americana, the remembrance they so deserve.
The advent of the Internet has drastically hindered the thrill of the hunt when it comes to children and toys today. I can remember being a child, vaguely, and how alive I felt when my parents took me to Toys R’ Us and I saw something new that I’d never seen before. It was exhilarating. I can specifically remember laying my prepubescent eyes upon the G.I. Joe headquarters. Though I begged and begged, I didn’t come home with it. But, you get the point nonetheless. That was a high unlike any other.
I would look on the back of the packages and see the other X-Men toys. Then, we’d go hunting for them – not so unlike a lion scouting the python, or whatever lions hunt. As I’m sure you can imagine by now, one of these moments occurred when I first encountered the original line of Super Soakers. My own personal Holy Grail was the Super Soaker 50. I asked for it for my birthday (June 29 – not too late to wish me a happy birthday), and I received. This remains one of the finest moments of my life. I am very proud of this achievement.
But, nowadays, any kid with an iPad can find and buy any toy they want, assuming they steal their parents’ credit cards and enter it properly. As a boy genius, I would’ve had no problem with this. I would have owned every Hasbro WWF action figure created.
So, yes – in a paragraph or two, that is the reason I hate the Internet.
Today, Super Soaker has apparently merged with Nerf, but the guns just simply aren’t the same. Not everything needs to look like Iron Man’s suit to be cool. But, kids are progressively dumber and distracted by shiny things. I believe that is a philosophy written by Dr. Phil, so I want to make sure he gets credit.
Kids these days don’t appreciate the fine, hand-crafted appearance of the Super Soaker 50. An Air Force engineer developed the first line of Super Soakers. Which, as we all know, an Air Force engineer is the rough equivalent of a genius wizard. Do you know who develops Super Soakers today? The same people who make foam balls and cardboard basketball goals. What do they know about the intricacies of the Super Soaker 50? Not a lot, I’d imagine.
So, while kids will be running around spraying water out of generic Super Soaker impostors, I’ll be remembering the good old days. Or, to be more detailed, the days when a kid sought wonder and hand-crafted pleasantries.
I might see if I can dig this thing up out of the attic and go light motherfuckers up. I’m sure it’s still socially acceptable for a 30-year old man to run around his neighborhood shooting people with a water gun.
Check out the complete anthology of Forgotten Treasures of Americana below:
Playing Outside
Mama’s Family
Hasbro WWF Action Figures
3OH!3
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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