Since the Pilgrims came to the United States and killed all of the Native Americans with their diseases and stole their crops, families everywhere have been celebrating this joyous occasion known as Thanksgiving.
It marks a special time of the year. We’re all another year older and infinitely more reflective (or at least that’s what we tell the world via our tiresome Facebook rants regarding what we’re thankful for). We gather with friends and families, stuff all of our faces, and recite the same old reasons that we should be thankful human beings.
Now, don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing to be ashamed of in being thankful for friends, family, food, and health, but after 29 years on this Earth…I started thinking, “man, I need to push things a bit.” I’m sure my family and friends realize I’m thankful for them. You’re not truly thankful for all of life’s wonders if you’re not constantly searching for new things to be thankful for.
That’s part of the positivity that we try to promote here on the SoBros Network. So, to save you, the reader, the trouble of pondering this on your own time, I’ve created a list of the top five things you don’t realize you should be thankful for.
5. Lazy Rivers – Can you imagine being a grown adult and not having the luxury of a lazy river in the summer time? Sure, it’s hard to find one of these that exists without hordes of crazed, maniacal children running around, but if you find one, it’s like uncovering the lost gold of El Dorado. Also, it’s worth noting that any river can be a lazy river with the right attitude and an intertube – just embrace the idea that you could potentially incur a snake bite, and/or wake up in a different state if you fall asleep.
4. Sweatpants – Most adults see Thanksgiving as an opportune time to bust out their favorite sweater and dress pants – maybe even a shirt and tie. Not me. I’m thankful that I have sweatpants or gym shorts that allow my fat ass to eat as much as I want without the button of my pants telling me to pump the brakes.
3. Championship belts – What would wrestlers and mixed martial artists have to fight over if not for championship belts? What would the WWE send America’s major sports champions without these inventions? If we didn’t have these majestic, shiny decorations to inspire awe in us, there would be a lot less jovial people in the world. I, for one, vote on having a Presidential Championship belt awarded to each U.S. President.
2. Futurology – Futures studies, futurism, whatever you want to call it, this shit is fascinating and important. If you don’t think so, you’re a moron. Futurists are out there postulating tomorrow’s problems and considering what is likely to happen in the future. Google it. Be thankful there are people in the world with enough foresight to prepare us for what lies ahead.
- Language – You may not recognize it on a daily basis, but man – where would we be if language was never invented? We’d still be grunting at each other and beating people with clubs. Thankfully, the cavemen invented language. One of them even took to writing out characters that represented the sounds they made. And so, letters were born. Anyway, enough storytelling – you get why language is important.
I also turned this question over to the followers and readers of the SoBros Network, as well as my fellow SoBro contributors, past and present – so, these are their answers when presented with the question, “What are some things people don’t realize they should be thankful for?”
Former SoBro Corey in East Nasty: Hot showers; the New Day!!!
Stoney’s thoughts: Corey is a wrestling fan like me, and he’s always been known for preaching the truth. The New Day is the hottest thing going in the WWE today. And, hot showers? Man – I can’t imagine life without ‘em.
SoBro Brandon in Nashville: What about nipples? How else would you know if women are cold or not??
Stoney’s thoughts: Of course, SoBro Brandon went outside the box here, but it’s true. Nipples are useful for a lot reasons. In this case, it’s gauging the temperature.
SoBro Ryan in Nashville: The ability to tell the difference between a fart and actual shit. But seriously, antiseptics.
Stoney’s thoughts: Antiseptics are good and all, but let’s not let ourselves be distracted from the meat of this statement. Knowing a fart from a shit is crucial to functioning in day-to-day life.
Kenneth in Nashville: Despite having a very negative record, at least you’re able to play fantasy football, and I’m thankful that I’ll get to watch at least one more year of good Marcus Mariota before his confidence is shattered by the Titans.
Stoney’s thoughts: This is likely the last season we’re all going to be able to play on FanDuel and Draft Kings. Be thankful for that, people. Listening to the national media speak, it almost sounds as if they feel sorry for Mariota. I can’t say I blame them. If they don’t get him some help this offseason, Kenneth is right.
Travis in Nashville: Grindr
Stoney’s thoughts: It’s 2015, people. Meaningless sex is now at your fingertips. You should be appreciative for that. Back in the old days, people actually had to earn it. Now, you can just hop on Tinder or Grindr and find a “buddy” in no time.
Julianna in Nashville: Indoor plumbing, literal and figurative. Check and mate.
Stoney’s thoughts: Well played, Julianna
Cliff in Nashville: Sphincter that keeps your poop from coming back up. Heard a story just a few days ago about a guy who was recently vomiting feces. Didn’t even realize that was possible.
Stoney’s thoughts: There are a lot of poop-centered answers circulating, but this is by far the one I’m most appreciative of. I’m curious, though, as to how exactly it comes back up. Is it like vomit? Or, is it a legit turd? I’m imagining trying to force up a wet hot dog bun.
Ryan in Nashville: I was thinking at lunch that I was thankful that I like the taste of cilantro, because for some people, cilantro tastes really terrible. I was thinking, “man, that’s really unfortunate for those people.”
Stoney’s thoughts: I stand with Ryan on this. Cilantro is amazing, and I pity people who don’t enjoy it. My favorite part of this is that Ryan was actually thinking it before I even asked him. He should be thankful for being able to predict the future as well.
Stephen in Nashville: The hair in your ass. I still can’t even realize I should be thankful for that. But I know in my heart of hearts, it’s good for me. And also, thank God I can close my eyes. Sometimes you just have to. And last but not least, all Saggitariuses, whatever the plural form may be. Even if you are a Gemini. Grandma’s bloodthinners have kept her from making sauerkraut for Thanksgiving every year since 2006. Thank God for that. There’s only so many times you can break a sternum. Before she gives. Wholeheartedly.
Stoney’s thoughts: Time is a flat circle.
Thank you all for your submissions. I appreciate you all reading the nonsense we publish here on the SoBros Network, and am happy to see you all get in on the fun as well.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
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